Real Men Of Genius Presents: Luis Gonzalez

MSTI Presents: Real Men Of Genius.

Real men of geeee-ni-us!

Today we salute you, Mr. I Am In Rapid Decline And Play Bad Defense But I Can Still Hit Man.

When conventional wisdom said that you were an old has-been who had one remarkable season about 100 years ago, played terrible defense and could no longer hit – and in a hitter’s park – YOU came back to defy the odds.

Sure, you got off to a slow start and blew easy plays in the outfield and later proceeded to piss off all Dodger fans when you explained that “what you see is what you get.” In fact, after that, we wanted to dig up the corpse of former Led Zeppelin drummer John “Bonzo” Bonham and stick him in left field. But as we were putting him in our trunk, we then realized…

We were wrong, Gonzo.

We’re so, so sorry!

Throughout the first half, not only have you gone on to become the second most productive Dodger hitter after Russell Martin, you have also come to rank well amongst your teammates. In fact, Luis, here are your stats and rankings with your team through July 15th, 2007:

BA: .289 – 3rd
EqA: .293 – 2nd
HR: 10 – tied for 2nd
BB: – 41 – 1st
OBP: .379 – 2nd
OPS: .835 – 2nd
OPS+: 119 – tied for 2nd
SLG: .459 – 2nd
VORP: 19.6 – 2nd

And Nomar still blooooowwwwws!

And it gets even better. Besides going on to become one of the top hitters on the Dodgers, you have also done well compared to your peers. Let us look at how you have done amongst NL outfielders:

BA: .289 – 13th
HR: 10 – T-24th
OBP: .379 – 8th
SLG: .459 – 15th
BB: 41 – 9th
RC27: 6.45 – 12th
RC: 53.5 – 14th
BB/K: 1.24 – 2nd
SecA: .321 – 11th

Oh sure… compared to your peers, are you amongst the elite? No. But there’s no need to frown, we’re fair and generous around here. We realize that at least 5-6 of the NL outfielders are superstars that are not only the best OF’s in the NL, but also amongst the better offensive forces in the game (i.e. Bonds*, Holliday, Soriano, Lee, Griffey, Jr., etc.). So, suddenly, your ranking in the top 10-15 in most categories isn’t so bad. Not to mention that YOU, Gonzo, have a higher BA, EqA, OBP, SLG and OPS than the following names…

Andruw Jones:

BA: .211
EqA: .263
OBP: .314
SLG: .420
OPS: .733

Jason Bay:

BA: .249
EqA: .263
OBP: .328
SLG: .422
OPS: .750

Carlos Beltran:

BA: .255
EqA: .283
OBP: .337
SLG: .458
OPS: .795

So, we salute you, Mr. My Partly White Goatee Makes Me Look Like I’m 50.

You really need to dye!

You have come back not only to defy conventional wisdom, but also critics. Does this mean you should be re-signed after next season? No. In fact, hell no.

You’re too damn old!

However, you have gone on to perform at a professional level once again and are currently one of the best hitters in the Dodgers’ offense, as well as outperforming much more expensive and younger superstars. After people named you one of the worst signings this offseason for the Dodgers, you have come back to be the best signing. You have shown a great penchant for getting on base, and even still have the occasional home run in you. Oh sure… one of the great human mysteries will always be how your home runs go out of the park based on that little soft swing of yours at contact, but that won’t stop the two of us, as well as Bonzo (err… oops), from popping open a cold one in your honor.

So go on, Luis… go on with your bad self, and the next time critics try to unfairly criticize you, come back at them with something effective and biting… really stick it to them!


“Like… talk to the hand, cause da L.A. Times just don’t understand, nuh uh!”

P.S.: For all Led Zeppelin fans, be sure to check out our cool auction on eBay!

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