The Los Angeles Dodgers fanbase, the Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness constituency and the City Of Hope and Children’s Hospital Los Angeles are pleased to announce to you our new charity:
ThinkCure is the new charitable endeavor launched to help fight the battle against serious illness and incompetence to players and coaches in the Dodgers organization. ThinkCure and its sponsors hope to create a sense of strength and success of which will be generated by a healthy base of motivational support inspired by the search for a cure for these self-destructive illnesses. Not only do we want ThinkCure to become a success amongst its sponsors, but also amongst the entire Los Angeles Dodgers’ fanbase.
Let us chronicle just a few of the painful experiences that some of our victims face today. First off, let us begin with Dodgers’ third baseman Nomar Garciaparra.
For many, Nomar was one of the greatest shortstops of the 1990′s. That statement would be very true, as he would go on to win back to back batting titles in 1999-2000… but then the illnesses would hit.
Since mid-2006, Nomar has suffered from an acute case of “I am an old has-been who now sucks…… Itis.” This is an illness that is common amongst men in their mid to late 30′s. In addition to his severe obsessive compulsive disorder before he steps into the batters box, symptoms of IAAOHWNSI include:
- Declining in most of your statistical numbers.
- Making significantly weaker contact with the baseball during at-bats.
- Not taking like… a fucking pitch
- Your wife is the better athlete… at your sport
- In extreme cases, symptoms can also include being outslugged by Juan Pierre. If such cases happen, please contact your nearest MSTI represenetive, as soon as possible.
Alas, it does not end here…
Let us meet victim number two, Juan Pierre.
Juan Pierre is a former World Series champion and was a key member of the 2003 Marlins. Unfortunately, since 2005, things have turned for the worse for Juan. Suddenly, Juan has suffered from:
- No longer getting on base with a ridiculously low OBP
- Extra base hits are at a minimum
- Lack of throwing arm.
- Feeling he is worth $45 million dollars
- Hitting very weak grounders or lazy fly outs
- Feeling he is worth $45 million dollars
For Heaven’s sake, just look at the man being reduced of his dignity and pride…
But sadly, it does not end there. Here is our third victim, Olmedo Saenz.
Saenz was once a star pinch hitter for the Dodgers. If there was ever a reason to believe in clutch hitting, he sure made solid arguments with his extraordinary pinch hitting abilities. Unfortunately, he has now reached a level of both decline and suckiness. Saenz also suffers from:
- Feelings of grandeur and delusion where he walks around calling himself: “Big Sexy.”
- Reduced bat speed
- Can no longer hit Major League pitching
- The Pittsburgh Pirates are now kicking his ass
Unfortunately, Saenz’s decline is becoming so rapid, he has now fallen into a depression. As comfort food, Olmedo is now eating a bat boy every day and reports are surfacing that they have found the remains of Jimmy Hoffa in his stomach.
Finally, let us meet our fourth and final victim, Dodgers manager Grady Little.
Unfortunately for Grady, he has had a chronic case of brain gastritis. Symptoms of this include:
- Leaving your tired starting pitcher in a crucial playoff game
- Developing unusual hunches
- Ineffective lineup cards
- Benching your talent
- Ineffectively handling starting and relief pitching
- Lack of passion
- Developing unusual likings to 42 year old relief pitchers.
- Running your fucking catcher into the ground
In such severe cases as Grady’s, head positions can also be unusual from the normal, as the head is usually found up their ass. Unfortunately, several of Grady’s symptoms have also affected those around him. Here is one observer…
“It just really pains me to see him go through this. I speak from watching him first-hand. Take me, for instance. He would be so abusive with me and my playing time. I couldn’t even get into the lineup at first, he just wouldn’t let me. He would get so bad, that’s why I had to start the season in Triple-A. He told me that it didn’t matter if I hit .380 or even .700. As long as I wasn’t a veteran, I had no chance. Thankfully after I slipped him a… uh… oops..”
- James Loney
Folks, we feel that it is imperative to find a cure for these illnesses. These illnesses are not only self-destructive, but they also tear apart the fabric and morale of the organization. Think of the devotion and time that the fans put into their Dodgers. Think of the little children who come to Dodger Stadium and put their lifes on the line every night by sitting in the pavillion just to watch their heroes play. By making a donation today, not only will you put a smile on these children’s faces, but you will also be helping the chances of maybe, just maybe, finding a cure to make your Dodgers restore the brains and talent to be competent again. And if God creates a miracle, perhaps even competent enough to make a run for first place.
However, do not let the thought of a donation scare you; we do not ask for much. We are not a greedy bunch. Me and Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness have donated $1,000,000 each, but if we had 1,000,000 people donate a dollar each, we would be just as thrilled, if not just to get everyone involved. Any donations are appreciated. To make a donation, please call:
Be a champion and make a donation today. Because we can be heroes, if just for one day.
The MSTI Constituency