Dear Mr. Boras;
I’m writing to you today to inform you that you’ve lost. Oh, don’t get me wrong; you’ve been wildly successful in your career, making millions upon millions in order to fund your army of unholy reverse-vampire orphan children. I commend you on your fine work in that regard, and I hope to serve you in some capacity in the apocolyptic wasteland that you will surely bring upon humanity in the near future. May I suggest a role as headmaster of the new learning facilities which will teach the great unwashed about your pure brilliance, such as the one shown at right? However, today I’m writing in regards to one Manuel Aristides Ramirez, better known as Manny (being Manny).
Now, I know you advised Manny to do whatever it took to get out of Boston so that the Red Sox wouldn’t exercise his clearly unfair dual $20 million team options for 2009 and 2010. “No matter that people will think you’re a douche,” you said. “You get your ass out of there and you feast upon the weaker National League, and rather than having to settle for a puny $40 million, I’ll get you six years and over $100 million, even though you care so little that you routinely stuff your uncashed checks in a box.” Kudos on that plan, because in any other year it might have worked perfectly, especially after the performance Manny put on. Did you know that in no small part to his efforts, my owners were able to buy not one, but two homes in Malibu? Shame about those kids who won’t have fields to play on, though. Looks like you might end up with some new conscripts for that bloodthirsty army of the night!
But Scott, I’m not writing to talk about the crimes you’ve committed against humanity. As you may or may not have noticed: the economy’s in the dumper. People who are losing their homes have no patience for a petulant child’s whining about millions of dollars he clearly doesn’t even need. On top of that, your usual “ooooh! there’s a mystery team!” crowing just doesn’t play here. Twenty-five or so of the MLB teams can’t even pretend to afford Manny. Of the ones that can, I’d say it’s pretty safe that Boston’s not interested, even the Yankees seem to have reached the end of their checkbook (not to mention they have far too many old “outfielders” as it is), the Angels are stocked in the outfield and have publicly declared Manny will never play for them, the Mets don’t seem to be in play, and what, are you really going to send Manny to Washington just because Jim Bowden lusts after outfielders?
“But, the Giants!” you begin to say, before I cut you off. Come on. Stop with that. Just because Jon Heyman’s either on your payroll or completely deluded doesn’t make it true. (Seriously, what is with that guy? I can’t even count the amount of sportswriters who are refuting his claims, yet he continues to crow about how he’s “confirmed” the discussions. I can’t wait for his new book, No Really: I’ve Confirmed WMD in Iraq!) The Giants are at their payroll limits, already have too many old and busted outfielders, and you’d think they’ve had their fill of controversal old left fielders, no? What does that leave? That’s right. It leaves us.
So here’s my point, Scott. Let’s knock this bullshit off. Spring training starts in just over a month, and you’ve received two legitimate offers – both of which were from us. Now, I never really expected you to accept either our two-year, $45 million proposal nor or offer of arbitration. I did kind of expect you wouldn’t be a total asshole and at least drop me a text message to turn me down – I mean, even a “LOL NO WAI KTHXBYE” would have sufficed. But that’s fine. That’s the way you roll, as the kids say, and I get it.
However, here’s the thing: I’m bored with this. I have the attention span of a gnat. How else do you think I got suckered into giving Juan Pierre a five-year deal? I heard that my old friend Brian Sabean was giving Slappy a four-year deal, and all I saw was “oooh: shiny! and speedy!” and I signed him up right then, OBP, throwing arm, and common sense be damned. I can’t keep going on with this “will he sign? won’t he sign? will he sign? won’t he sign” crap forever. Hell, I read the simply brilliant live-blog of your supposed discussions with the Giants over at the McCovey Chronicles, and it’s so ludicrous that I actually thought it was true! I need some activity on this front. I’m bored with the constant non-speak and lack of activity. The fans are impatient. And the bloggers? You better believe they’re sick of this.
So Scott, I implore you. Take the boatload of money we’re offering you. No, it won’t be $22+ million/year like you’d hoped; it won’t even be as much as the 2/45m deal we offered originally. With the way things have gone in the economy since that offer, with the deals other players are going for, and with your complete lack of a Manny market, why should it be? Manny might be a better hitter than Pat Burrell, but when Pat’s getting $8m/year, there’s no way that Manny deserves three times as much. We’ll still offer Manny way more than we reasonably should considering we’re his only bidder, but still – when I said way back at the beginning that you’d lost, it’s true. You’ll look like a jackass for getting Manny to force his way out of Boston in such a manner and publicly demanding a six-year deal, while having to settle for only a two-year pact. I won’t pretend that the thought of your public humiliation doesn’t make me laugh so hard that I shake in my cowboy boots, because it does. But you can at least offer up some crap about how you “decided that money was less important than your client’s happiness, and Los Angeles was always where he wanted to be.” I won’t call you out on it. For all I care, you can even say that the $60 million or so fewer that you settle for is going towards 28,000 new fields for children.
Manny Ramirez. An obscene amount of money. Los Angeles Dodgers. It’s match.com, baby.