In Which The Dodgers Enter The World Of the Onion

The Dodgers are winning 4-3 in the 4th inning, as Ryan Ludwick just hit a home run off the Hollywood sign, but you’ll forgive me if my focus isn’t on the game right now, because Bill Shaikin of the LA Times just published a story that’s – and I apologize here, because I know my parents read this – so fucking unbelievable that I can’t even believe it’s real.

Look, when I started writing this blog, I knew it wouldn’t always be strictly about baseball, but I guarantee you I never thought I’d write these words:

The Dodgers paid a Russian faith healer at least six figures to send positive feelings from thousand miles away.

Yeah. We’re through the looking glass here, people.

I’m not going to go through this section by section like I’ve done with other pieces – because really, what am I going to do, say “Yep, that’s pretty goddamn messed up” thirty times? – so I encourage you to read the full story. If even 20% of this is true, Bill Shaikin deserves a Pulitzer, an Emmy, and a Tony.

Here’s just a taste…

Shpunt could not transform a bad team into a good one, Cohen said, but his energy could increase the chance of winning by 10% to 15%.

Quick! Someone calculate Vladimir Shpunt’s WARP! By which I of course mean, “Wins over Replacement Psychic”.

On Oct. 2, 2004, Steve Finley capped the first season of McCourt ownership by hitting a walk-off grand slam, clinching the Dodgers’ first playoff spot in eight years.

“The miracle finish … was the result of V energy,” Cohen wrote in an e-mail to Jamie. “Frank was privileged to actually feel the energy.”

“V energy”. V ENERGY. I always thought that the McCourts had no regard for advanced statistics when they fired Paul DePodesta. Looks like I was wrong, but instead of OBP or WARP, they were into V ENERGY. Speaking of DePo…

Cohen also wrote that Shpunt had “diagnosed the disconnects” among Manager Jim Tracy, General Manager Paul DePodesta and the team’s pitchers and catchers.

“Your general manager destroyed last year’s team,” the e-mail read, “and put together a group of players that could not be a team and could not win.”

There’s about forty jokes I could make here, but let’s keep it simple: I don’t want to live in a world where we ended up with Ned Colletti rather than Paul DePodesta because of a RUSSIAN FAITH HEALER’S OPINION.

I mean… jesus. Just read the article. Didn’t think your opinion of the McCourts could get any lower, did ya?