Once again, Ned Colletti speaks, and once again, he’s talking about the need for the Dodgers to go out and get some offense, as Steve Dilbeck passes along today in his Los Angeles Times blog:

At a Dodger Stadium news conference Wednesday, General Manager Ned Colletti was again bemoaning the offense and the need to add a significant bat.

“If we can find somebody offensively that can help spread that lineup out –- that’s a need I think we have to get after,’’ Colletti said.

I don’t think anybody really disagrees with that. Here’s the thing that people seem to be forgetting, however: does that bat even exist for this team? As we’ve discussed several times, Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder seem like unlikely targets. Which leaves… well, what exactly? The 2011-12 free agent market isn’t exactly filled with hidden gems of offensive productivity.

Besides, any bat has to fit into the holes available in the Dodger roster, and let’s not forget that Colletti seemed happy with the way his team was configured to finish the year. Center field (Matt Kemp), right field (Andre Ethier, and no, he’s not getting traded just yet), and shortstop (Dee Gordon) seem like the only three spots that are solidly filled at the moment. But it’s not as simple as that. Jerry Sands showed enough in the minors and in September that he’s deserving of a starting outfield spot, regardless of today’s shortsighted FanGraphs view of him. As Dilbeck notes, there’s almost no chance that Pujols or Fielder find a new home before the December 12 non-tender deadline, so James Loney‘s already-good chances of returning would seem even higher. And whether or not Rod Barajas returns to join A.J. Ellis behind the plate (which seems likely), there’s no game-changers available behind the plate on the open market. (I’ve seen suggestions of Ryan Doumit, and while I do like his bat, his atrocious defense, high salary, and inability to stay healthy all make him a poor bet.) Even if Juan Rivera returns, he’s best a platoon partner for Ethier and/or Loney, not an everyday player.

That leaves two spots where the Dodgers could potentially add a bat, second base or third base. Juan Uribe could man whichever position they don’t fill, though the ideal position for Uribe is probably “at the far end of the bench gnawing on a meatball sub.” And unfortunately for the Dodgers, those are two spots that offer just about nothing on the free agent market.

From MLBtraderumors, here’s the list of second basemen who are free agents:

Clint Barmes (33)
Willie Bloomquist (34) – $1.1MM mutual option with a $150K buyout
Orlando Cabrera (37)
Robinson Cano (29) – $14MM club option with a $2MM buyout
Jamey Carroll (37)
Alex Cora (36)
Craig Counsell (41)
Mark Ellis (35)
Jerry Hairston Jr. (36)
Bill Hall (32) – $4MM mutual option with a $250K buyout
Aaron Hill (30) – $8MM club option for 2012 and $8MM club option for ’13
Kelly Johnson (30)
Adam Kennedy (36)
Felipe Lopez (32)
Jose Lopez (28)
Aaron Miles (35)
Brandon Phillips (31) – $12MM club option with a $1MM buyout
Drew Sutton (29)

That… is a wretched list of has-beens and never-weres, particularly when you take off Cano, who is clearly not going to be available, and Phillips, who will have his option exercised if a longer deal can’t be worked out. The highest OPS on that list, among guys with any real playing time, belongs to Johnson and his .717. Unless you’re willing to bet on Hill being the player he was two years ago, there’s not much here.

Third base isn’t a lot better:

Wilson Betemit (30)
Casey Blake (38)
Jorge Cantu (30)
Eric Chavez (34)
Craig Counsell (41)
Mark DeRosa (37)
Greg Dobbs (33)
Edwin Encarnacion (29) – $3.5MM club option with a $500K buyout
Jerry Hairston Jr. (36)
Kevin Kouzmanoff (30)
Andy LaRoche (28)
Felipe Lopez (32)
Jose Lopez (28)
Nick Punto (34)
Aramis Ramirez (34) – $16MM club option with a $2MM buyout; Ramirez can void
Omar Vizquel (45)

There’s at least a few interesting names here, with Aramis Ramirez being the big fish, though one likely to get around $40m on a three- or four-year deal. Encarnacion is an intriguing power bat who is a butcher with the glove and might be retained by Toronto, and while I’ve always felt Betemit was underrated – I believe I proposed going after him in last year’s plan – he’s lousy with the glove as well, probably not the type you want next to Gordon at shortstop.

What about the trade market? Well, there’s the obvious problem that the Dodgers don’t have a whole lot to trade, at least not without opening up other holes. David Wright is rumored to be on the block, but he’s coming off a disappointing year and the Mets would ask for the moon for him. Chase Headley and Ty Wigginton might be, though it’s unlikely division rivals match up, and there’s the usual scrap-heap types like Ian Stewart and Kevin Kouzmanoff. I wouldn’t mind looking at Boston’s Jed Lowrie as an intriguing buy-low type, but again, that’s hardly a solution.

So when you say, “the Dodgers absolutely have to go out and get that bat…” well, tell me: where is it coming from? Short of a completely unexpected deal for Fielder or a sudden burst of front office creativity, there’s just not a whole lot to choose from.