What Does It Take To Be Worse Than Juan Uribe?

92topps_juanuribeOver at MLB.com, they’ve recently unveiled their 2013 fantasy baseball preview, including ranking 843 players — in order — based on their fantasy relevance. Unsurprisingly, Dodgers Matt Kemp, Hanley Ramirez, Clayton Kershaw, & Adrian Gonzalez rank in the top 50.

Much more surprisingly, Juan Uribe is not only ranked, he comes in at #795, meaning that there’s 48 players (subjectively, of course) deemed to be worse than he is. Among those who are more valuable: Tony Gwynn, Cesar Izturis, Nick Punto, Elian Herrera, Adam Kennedy & Miguel Cairo.

So what does it take to actually be worse than Juan Uribe? Let’s investigate.

Being unemployed

Behold: the large group of Jim Thome (#802), Aubrey Huff (#803), Roy Oswalt (#804), Daisuke Matsuzaka (#810), Chone Figgins (#816), Brad Penny (#819), Livan Hernandez (#820), Scott Podsednik (#823), Jason Repko (#828), Jason Giambi (#832), Jose Contreras (#837), Sean Burroughs (#834), Jamie Moyer (#840), & Bobby Jenks (#842) contains years of outstanding performance and at least one borderline Hall of Fame case. But it’s not 2005 anymore, is it? All are over 30, in some cases well over, and none have 2013 clubs at the moment.

It seems that one way to be worse than Uribe is to no longer be a baseball player.

Being signed to a minor-league contract

Dig these names…

Austin Kearns (#786), Ben Francisco (#787), Darnell McDonald (#808), Rick Ankiel (#811), Jeremy Hermida (#814), Andrew Brown (#815), Brian Bixler (#821), Ryan Sweeney (#825), Lyle Overbay (#826), Don Kelly (#827), Joe Mather (#831), Dan Johnson (#833), Drew Sutton (#835), Mike Jacobs (#836), & Ramiro Pena (#838)

…because it might be the last time you ever hear them. They’re all in camp as non-roster invites, and maybe a few will get some big-league time, but the majority probably have seen their last days in the show.

Having no chance to play in 2013

Randy Wolf (#839) certainly fits in the “old and unemployed” section, but he gets a special call-out here for having blown out his elbow in September and undergoing Tommy John surgery, all but certainly costing him all of 2013.

Having no chance to play in 2013 and running afoul of the United States government by forging your name and age

Juan Carlos Oviedo (#841), formerly known as Leo Nunez, was suspended after getting involved in another age scandal, then got into three minor-league games before getting hurt and getting a Tommy John zipper of his own in September.

Being completely unable to hit professional pitching

Jose Iglesias (#813) is a highly touted shortstop in the Boston system, mainly because he’s a fantastic defensive player. He’s also got a career .626 OPS… in the minors. Good luck with that. Josh Vitters (#800) isn’t quite that bad, but the former #3 overall pick has failed to live up to that billing in the Cubs organization since being drafted in 2007 and hit .121/.193/.202 in 109 plate appearances in his first taste of the bigs last year.

Getting busted for PED usage

Jason Pridie (#798) & Marlon Byrd (#824) each went down for performance-enhancing drug usage in 2012 and have only minor-league contracts in 2013.

Losing your job in 2012

Armando Galarraga (#809) & Jeff Suppan (#818) were each DFA’d by two incredibly pitching-needy teams in Houston & Minnesota, respectively, which should tell you all you need to know about them. Matt LaPorta (#822) remains with the Indians but lost his 40-man spot this winter, and Daric Barton (#830) finally lost his starting job with Oakland and spent most of the year in the minors.

This is the list Uribe really belongs on.

Being someone I’ve never heard of before

Moises Sierra (#799) is a 24-year-old outfielder who made his debut for Toronto in 2012. Eduardo Escobar (#817) saw time with both Minnesota and the White Sox around being included in the Francisco Liriano trade. Supposedly.

Not having played professionally in 2012

Scott Kazmir’s (#807) downfall is well-known; after several years of solid performance for Tampa Bay, he was traded to Anaheim and completely fell apart, making just one start in 2011 for the Angels and toiling in the independent leagues last season; he signed a minor-league deal with Cleveland in December. Grady Sizemore (#829) was once one of the best center fielders in baseball, but continued knee issues allowed him to play just 104 games in 2010-11 and not at all in 2012; he’s currently without a team.

Not having played professionally in 2011 or 2012

Jeremy Bonderman (#806) last pitched in 2010 for Detroit, though he’s attempting to make a comeback with Seattle this year. I’d trade Uribe for him in a heartbeat.

Being Bill Hall, apparently

Poor Bill Hall. What did he ever do to anyone? He was actually a pretty valuable player at one point, hitting 35 homers while playing all over the infield for the 2005 Brewers. Since leaving Milwaukee in 2009, he’s bounced from Seattle to Boston to Houston to Fresno to San Francisco to the Yankees (Tampa, really, since he didn’t make it out of spring training) to Norfolk to Baltimore to Anaheim, where he signed a minor-league deal with the Angels last week. He’s hit .221/.285/.382 since 2009, which is, well, terrible. Terrible enough to be the absolute lowest-ranked player here? Apparently so.

Ah, who are we kidding? I’d still take the old, busted, injured & retired guys listed here over Uribe. Nearly every single one. But not you, Aubrey Huff. You know what you did.

298 comments
Lobo
Lobo

Season just officially ended for the Dodgers and Uribe ended up hitting 12 regular season home runs and 2 postseason dingers (including a dramatic 2 run shot in the 8th inning to win game 4 of the NLDS and send the Dodgers on to the NLCS) and putting up 5.1 fWAR.  Oh how quickly things can change

drh
drh

So you're saying Uribe's a sleeper...

 

No really, he could fall asleep in the clubhouse an nobody would notice.

Disgruntled Goat
Disgruntled Goat moderator

The Dodgers "We're all fine, thanks for asking. BSOML." machine is hard at work today. 

EephusBlue
EephusBlue moderator

I am hoping for Klaw snark. but he will probably just ignore me

Dang88
Dang88

Anyone live in Florida that wants to send steroids to Gio?

Mike Petriello
Mike Petriello moderator

Ben (Leland Grove)

Can you tell us why Yasiel Puig missed out?

 

Klaw  (3:04 PM)

A better question would be why he'd belong. He barely played, and his season ended with surgery to address a staph infection, so we don't have performance data to support his case. He is strong, and I think there's plus power there, but I don't think he's a great pure hitter, and while he runs well for his size he's clearly a corner outfielder. I've also said before that, having shaken the man's hand, he's one of the oldest-looking 21-year-olds I've ever met. He may be very good, but I don't think he's a star, and I don't think I could justify a high ranking given what I saw when he played.

 

Bluebloodla92
Bluebloodla92

Im glad carpenter is out, plays well with my STL hate. And boosts our wild card chances too.

DBrim
DBrim moderator

"Blizzard of 2013" may be a thing that is happening.

Batted Bob
Batted Bob

@Ken_Rosenthal: Mozeliak says Carpenter likely to DL. By announcing retirement, Carp would forfeit $12.5M salary.

 

He is not coming back, just wants to get paid this year.

Batted Bob
Batted Bob

 @EephusBlue well at least you will get rewards points for using the approved #dodgers hashtag

Mike Petriello
Mike Petriello moderator

 @EephusBlue stop making Harangface and start photoshopping extremely old looking 21 year old men

DBrim
DBrim moderator

@Mike Petriello 1-2 feet of snow possible here on Friday.

DINGERS!
DINGERS!

@Disgruntled Goat @GordonMoody @EephusBlue that OTHER DREDD never existed

DINGERS!
DINGERS!

@EephusBlue @GordonMoody I hope so.

DBrim
DBrim moderator

@The Monocle #euphemism

DBrim
DBrim moderator

@Mike Petriello don't know if "here" also means "there".

DBrim
DBrim moderator

@Dang88 @EephusBlue @Bob Meripol @GordonMoody *make it hail.