If Chris Capuano did nothing else tonight — and he literally did just about nothing tonight — he at least helped us answer the question, “why would the Dodgers be in the market for a starting pitcher like Matt Garza or Ricky Nolasco?” Uh… that’s why.
But hey, at least mostly everyone was awful. Capuano gave up seven runs (five earned) in 3.2 innings, which is bad. But then Peter Moylan gave up five runs in two innings, and Matt Guerrier dropped three more runs in 1.1 inning, and then Brandon League — finally finding an appropriate time to enter in a 15-1 game — looked just as awful as ever in allowing the final run across the plate. Skip Schumaker made his second appearance of the year on the mound, and was the only Dodger pitcher to keep the Phillies off the board, even striking out Humberto Quintero after loading the bases. I joked on Twitter that I feel more comfortable with Schumaker than I do with League… and now I’m not so sure it’s a joke.
Then again, when all you’re going to do is eke out five hits against John Lannan, you don’t deserve to win. Yasiel Puig added a walk to go with his single, and was one of just two Dodgers to get on more than once; he is hitting .424/.459/.696 and remains awesome — though he did fail to hit a 15-run homer when he came up in the bottom of the eighth. Slacker.
It’s been 17 years since the Dodgers last allowed 16 runs in a game, but that one was slightly more fun because they only lost by one that time around. Yes, 1996 Coors Field was the best. This game actually tied the Dodger Stadium record for runs allowed by an opponent, dating back to a 1987 mess against the Giants where current pitching coach Rick Honeycutt lasted only 2.1 innings.
You can thank Schumaker for keeping that record intact. If only for his flailing arms on the mound in the midst of a forgettable disaster, Schumaker is the best… for the night only. Now let us never speak of it again. Expect some moves this weekend, both as a massive overreaction to tonight and because I’ll be out of town until Sunday afternoon.